When homework turns into life questions

I'm having a writing fit again.

Here it is, another late night. There are so many other things I should be doing right now, like doing more of my counseling homework, or studying for my counseling test, or even perhaps attaining some of that stuff they call 'sleep' that I never can get enough of these days. But my mind is swirling with thoughts and I'm not sure I can sleep if I don't get them out of my head first. I blame the counseling homework for getting me thinking in the first place. :)

Most of my homework involves heavy thinking questions like, "Aside from helping people, what are some of your motivations for going into counseling?" .........um.....yeah, well, what if that WAS my main motivation for going into counseling? I had to think quite a bit harder since obviously that would not be a sufficient answer to the question.

Counseling is not my main focus after graduation. I'll say that first off. I want to be a firefighter, and that is what I plan on doing right after I graduate, but I'm also keeping the idea open of going to grad school to become a counselor after I'm on with the fire department. After the tornado in '08, I knew that's exactly what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to help people. I've always been the fixer type person, the one that's deeply concerned about the feelings and needs of others. I like listening to people talk and I like giving honest advice (but only when it's asked for...I like to just listen and leave it alone as well). I like helping people, plain and simple. I thought that was why I wanted to be both a firefighter and a crisis/trauma type counselor.

But as I mulled over these counseling questions, I began to look deeper at myself and my own motivations. Is helping people really why I want to do those things, or are there selfish motivations as well? And the more I thought about it, and the more honest I was with myself, the more I realized both are true. I do want to help people, but I have my own desires as well. I want to be a counselor because I want to be needed. I want to be wanted. I think that's something everyone in the whole world desires too, but I feel like that is a reason behind my career.

Firefighting is slightly different than the counseling though. Yeah, I want to help people, obviously, but I feel like there is a lot more personal stuff going into the firefighting career. I've seen the movie Ladder 49, and I know a lot of my friends have too. Most of the time, they tell me that they think of me everytime they watch it. It's a sad movie, and they ask me if I'm ever scared about doing it. I am just a little bit, but for the most part, I'm not. The way I figure it, if I die helping someone else, maybe then my life will actually be worth something. I guess that's more of my selfish motivation behind firefighting. If I help enough other people--complete strangers even--then maybe those things will make up for all the mistakes I've made in my life. That my life won't be just one big screw up, but instead something worthwhile. That's what I want more than anything else...to make sure that my life wasn't a waste, but rather something that can be looked back on by other people with respect and honor.

I want to live a meaningful life. A full life. A life that benefits others. A life that's remembered for the way I sacrificed for others, not for the mistakes I made and the way I hurt some people. I know I can't atone for my own past sins, but this seems like a good way to make up for some of it.

Who doesn't want to live a life that's worthwhile? After all, everybody dies. Not everyone really lives.


"Can you lay your life down so a stranger can live?
Can you take what you need and take less than you give?
Could you close every day without the glory and fame?
Could you hold your head high when no one knows your name?
That's how legends are made...at least that's what they say..."