Life as I know it...

It's been a long time. And by a long time, I mean I am no longer a server, no longer in Jackson, and in an all around different place in my life. The one thing that still remains though is my desire to write. To get all this jumbled up crap out of my head and onto some paper (or in this case, a digital version of paper).

In fact, it's been so long since I've been on my blog that I'm not entirely certain how to space things, put in photos, or anything as such, so bear with me as I begin to figure it all back out. ;)

I'm in such a delicate place right now. After completely demolishing my life in Jackson, I had to move back home, not only to Memphis, but in with the parentals. Not an easy decision, obviously, but it was one that I had no choice in. There were simply no other options. You see, when you have the time of your life, meet who you think is the love of your life, find out you were dead wrong, then despair because you've never loved or been loved like that before, you usually wind up sitting on a stool with an empty shot glass in front of you...sometimes every night of the week. And when that happens, you forget to live. You don't pay bills, you go to work only to keep the roof over your head, you get careless with your things, you don't value your life, and eventually you can't remember how to function without being out of your mind...also known as "wasted". You go to work wasted, you stay at work wasted, you get wasted at the bar after work, and basically you forget how to live any other way.

And when that happens, you end up like me...broke, behind on bills and loans, with nothing to show for your efforts but a totaled car from driving under the influence and an extremely high alcohol tolerance.

So here I am. Back in Memphis. Straightened up my life. Back in church (not Fort God, but a REAL church with REAL people who are filled with love, not judgment). Do I still party? Yeah. Does it control my life? No. Do I still suffer from a broken heart? Of course.

My daily life often feels like a see-saw. The slightest curve balls that get thrown at me cause my emotions to fly one way or the other. I struggle with being on the mountain top, doing everything right, to instantly being at the bottom of the mountain, trudging through the valley, wondering if a person can seriously be destined to failure. "Am I always going to be a screw up?", I often ask myself. "Is it possible that maybe I was designed to be the black sheep of my family, doomed to fall since the beginning of time?" And then other days I'm singing Katy Perry's (who is my IDOL lol) Part Of Me song word for word, lashing out and anyone and everyone, "I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now, NOW LOOK AT ME!" See-saw of my life. It's crazy. Guess that's why I take medicine now.

I'm not sure really what this post is supposed to be about. I wish I could sit here and end it with a 'hey my life is so freaking awesome all the time now' sentence, but it's not. God has been good to me, there is no doubt there, especially since I seriously am a major screw up the majority of the time, but that doesn't mean my life is full of rainbows and cupcakes and unicorns and all that other girly, glittery crap. It's hard. But that's life. So I guess this is just a post for me to begin writing again...and just give a general, REAL update on my life...as I currently know it.

-Fingernail (yep that hasn't changed either) out