The past is playing with my head

I am having a day today.

I don't feel like doing anything. I seriously just want to lay in my bed and forget the world around me, and just sink deep inside myself, deep into my mind and spend the day with memories, with the people I miss more than I can begin to express. I am not much of a softie. I tend to have a very hard exterior until I become close to people. I love my best friend, and I would do anything for her, but anyone else wouldn't know that I am capable of actually being sweet. That being said, I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have tears in my eyes even now, which is a huge deal if you do know me, because I tend to see crying as a weakness, so I don't do it much.

I'll admit it though, I am aching today. Whether I like it or not, memories are bombarding me, and breaking my heart in the process. I'm thinking about two little boys most of all, and just the very thought of how I haven't seen them in so long, and how they're growing up so fast and I'm not getting to see any of it...it's making me die a little inside. It's definitely bringing on the tears.

And then there's memories of other things, of other people, of friendships lost. There is one in particular, that we'll refer to as SB, that I am missing so bad today, I literally just wanna call this person and burst into tears, and beg them not to leave me, and just talk to me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even though we both know that it's not. Yikes. Just thinking about doing that is leaving me choked up. I miss this person more than I can acurately describe with words. If you really love somebody and really miss them, you know the feeling that I mean. That deep ache in the middle of your chest, the dull throb that reminds you something is missing, where you almost feel like you've got a hole in your very soul, and empty pit that starts near the bottom of your throat and ends at the top of your waistline. Is it possible for this to ever go away? Most [smart] people do not get themselves into circumstances like I do. I seem to have a knack for attracting crazy people and situations. The relationship that I have with SB is as complicated as they get, but regardless of past interactions, SB continues to be one of the most important people in my life. I guess that's because I have put more time and effort into the relationship that I have with anyone else. SB knows me inside and out, over the slightest things, and that is what I have always treasured about our friendship. I have never completely revealed my entire being for someone except for SB, and to have that as a loss now is almost unbearable. I don't have the strength, the energy, or the trust to do that for another human being. I don't want to. Why should I? Why put myself out there again when I already have someone that knows me?

Because I'm a dumb-A, mostly. I let my flittering, always changing emotions screw up one of the most valuable things I have ever had in my life, and now I sit here, alone, dying for the chance to make things right, to put thing back the way they used to be. And I can't. And it kills me.

I think I'm going back to bed now.

--Fingernail out