Deep Thoughts

Wow, these make me crack up! Hope they make you smile...

#293: Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also at important business meetings.

#429: I'll never forget the time Grandma tripped at the top of the stairs and fell all the way down and then rolled and hit her head against the front door. We all laughed and laughed, until we realized, Hey, she's not joking!

#89: If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.

#242: A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go about ten feet and pretend you got bit by a snake. Then start an argument about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

#316: I think it should be a law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you're swirling around up there, you get to keep.

#66: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

#44: I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

#678: Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

#867: If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

#78: There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.

#2: As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

#67:Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

#456: I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

#55:When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

#798: I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

#98: The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

#34: Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

#67:As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

#567: If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.