The Last Song Ever

"I wish my life was this song
Cause songs, they never die
I could write for years and years, never have to cry
I'd show you how I feel without saying a word
I could wrap up both our hearts, I know it sounds absurd

And I saw the tears on your face, I shot you down
And I slammed the door, but couldn't make a sound
So, please stay sweet, my dear
Don't hate me now...

I can't tell how this last song ends..."


It never ceases to amaze me how music can take you back. There are certain songs that I can hear and it brings me back to a specific memory with exact details. I can remember the smallest things, even down to smells. It blows my mind.

I was listening to this song tonight while doing the dishes. I didn't think much about it at first, but then it just took me back to the time when I played it over and over. It was last year, right around the first of February. Those were some of the worst few months of my life. It was the time I hurt the most, but it was also the time that I hurt someone else the most.

I made one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life, if not the biggest. I betrayed my best friend, perhaps one of the greatest friendships I'd ever had the privilege of partaking in. That's one of my biggest regrets, I suppose. She was one of the best friends I ever had, and I let her down. I'll never forget the night I confessed it to her. She was so overly excited to see me, not having a clue what was coming. I'll speak from experience here--being blindsided sucks more than anything else. That was exactly what I did to her. She never even saw it coming.

It about ate me alive to watch her face contort from one of pure joy to incredible pain. Her facial expression didn't even change that much--her smile faded, but that was about it--but I could see the enormous amount of confusion and hurt in her eyes. I still see it sometimes. As her eyes welled up with tears, I tried to apologize and tell her how sorry I was, but it didn't do any good. Nothing I could say would change what I had done, or help what wounds I had just inflicted. It was awful to sit there and watch it all unfold, especially knowing there was no way out of this one. It was all my fault. I had no one else to blame but myself.

She looked at me one more time, her eyes filled with pure anguish. I knew she couldn't even believe it yet. I could see the trust she had for me shatter in that one instant, then she looked away and demanded I let her out of my car. I pleaded with her to stay so I could try and explain myself, but she wouldn't listen.

"The broken glass
Your moistened skin was everything, was everything
And your broken voice was quivering...
...Scream at me, make it the best I ever heard..."

That's all I wanted from her at that point. I wanted her to scream at me. I wanted her to hit me. I wanted some sort of punishment so that I could hurt just like she was hurting. But she didn't do any of that. She simply walked away from me, crying hysterically. I made one last attempt to stop her so I could explain, but it was of no avail. I could only watch her go.

I watched her walk away from me that night. I didn't realize that she would also walk completely out of my life. She never spoke to me again, and I haven't seen her since. I have never been filled with so much regret and remorse in my entire life. I tried to punish myself for months, but I finally realized that nothing I could do to myself would change what I'd done. It wouldn't bring her back to me either.

I listened to this song almost every day. Sometimes music just says it better than I ever could. I think that's partly why I love it so much. When my words run out, music says it for me. It still amazes me though that listening to this song tonight reminded me of last year in so many details.

Sometimes there's nothing more that I want to do than change the past. I've sworn up and down that I'd do almost anything--right up to selling my soul--to change what happened, so that night would've never happened. But I can't change it. I just have to live with it. I think after a while, when I realized I couldn't change it, I accepted it and began to look for what I could learn from it. I do that often. When I'm at my wits end and there are no explanations for anything, I start looking for some way to get something out of the whole bad thing. I learned from it, that's for sure. I swore I'd never make that mistake again.

It's true that the people we hurt the most are the ones we love the most. I don't have any idea why this is so, but it is. I've challenged myself every day to love people hard, to put aside my fear and doubt and just love with all that I am. You never know when the people you love will be gone--whether you have control of it or not. Sure, loving people like I'm trying to do is risky; I'm opening myself up for rejection and hurt and everything else that makes you insecure. As much as I'd like to portray that I'm a tough guy and I put up walls and keep people at a distance...I can't do it. I care deeply about people, and I feel like I'm only limiting myself when I hold back. But what's living if you hold back all the time? I'd rather be living out what I feel for people and taking that risk than holding back my whole life. Don't the people I love deserve to know how much I care about them?

Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to be cared about. Everyone needs to know that they're worth someone's time and effort...and I want those I love to know that they're worth my time and effort. Never again will I waste the time I have with those people. And for the girl who I hurt so badly...I'm sorry I didn't show you how much I loved you. You deserved so much more from me. I won't make that mistake again.

"So please, stay sweet, my dear
Don't hate me now..."