Oh, insomnia...

Insomnia has struck again. I moved back up to Jackson the last week of May, and moved into my new apartment the first week of June, and I have not been to bed before midnight since I've been back here in Jackson. It's about to kill me. I took my first nap today since I'd been in school. It was glorious. Nothing like the 3 hour naps I used to take, but those 45 minutes felt like heaven. Anyway, as I stated earlier, insomnia has once again taken over my life, and that's why I'm up at 3:30 in the morning for no good reason.

I take it back. There is good reason. I've been thinking a lot tonight, and when my mind gets to racing, there is no sleep that will ever come, at least not until the thoughts have been recorded in some way. So. That said, hold on, because there are so many subjects that are going to be mentioned in this blog. There's no real rhyme or reason to it, it's just thoughts being regurgitated onto paper. Er, text. Whatever.

It occurred to me tonight that I am one of those people that tries too hard. I desperately throw myself out there for people who don't want me. Sometimes I think that's why I try so hard...their rejection makes me want them that much more. I have friends that I care about so incredibly deeply that couldn't care less about me, yet I strive to make those relationships work. And then there are other people that care so much about me, and are just standing on the sidelines waiting for me to care that much about them and pursue them in the same way...and I just don't. It's not that I don't care about them or love them, but I just don't try as hard. I feel like that's the way most people are. We put up with the crap and the drama and everything else from people who don't deserve our love and concern because we love them so much, that it doesn't matter. We'd rather deal with all that mess than even begin to try and live our lives without them. And the best part is, the people who do treat us like crap are the ones we make the most excuses for. We know they're no good for us, and that we can do better, and that they're going to hurt us in the end, but our love for them blinds us. Love covers all things. Love endures all things. And we put ourselves out there, just waiting to be loved in return, and wind up getting crushed by the ones we wanted love from the most. Why is that? Why can't we just be content with those that already love us and are good for us?

I also realized tonight that I fall in love too easily. I don't think that's a bad thing, but at the same time, I piss myself off for doing it. I only hurt myself when I get so easily attached. My problem is, once I'm attached, I love hard. It doesn't matter who you are, or what you've done, if I love you, you're freakin stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to. As the song goes, my weakness truly is that I care too much. I get walked on and used and everything else you can imagine because I choose to overlook faults and wrongs and whatnot just because I love someone. I still believe that's how you should treat people you love. I guess I just always end up hurt because no one else believes that way. The world's conception of love is so shallow and selfish it's no wonder I'm always picking up the pieces of my own shattered heart.

But I'd do it again a million times. There is no comparison to the feeling of loving someone, and being loved in return. Yeah, sometimes it sucks bad, but every good time makes up for ten times the bad stuff. I've fallen in love. I've been hurt time and again. But every piece of that heartbreak was worth all the smiles and laughter and just plain swelling of my heart from it being so full of happiness. There's no other way to say it. I love my people...from friends to family members to lovers or whatever you want to call them...I love MY people. They're what makes my world go round. They're what keeps me getting up in the morning. I love all of my people more than life itself. I just can't accurately put into words how much that really is.

And yeah, when I wake up in the morning, nothing will be any different. But I still wake up every morning with that small glimmer of hope--that annoying little sliver that just won't freakin die--that something good will happen today and there won't be any rejection involved...that maybe, just maybe, I'll be loved in return for who I am, just as I try to love everyone around me for who they are. And no matter how bad the rejection has been in the past, or how horrible each hurt was before, there's that small piece of hope that keeps me coming back for more, each and every day.


Well, there you go. Nothing but ramblings that have no order and no real conclusion to it. Thank you, insomnia. You've served me quite well.

-Fingernail out