Endings and beginnings

Wow. What a week and weekend this past one was. I made it through finals week, a feat I wasn't sure I was going to accomplish. And then finally, on Saturday, I graduated.

What a feeling it was, putting on that black gown and hat, with the tassel swinging in my face, and walking out across the great lawn as I'd seen my classmates do every year before. It was so weird. Even as I was sitting in my seat, 3 rows from the stage, I felt like I was supposed to be out in the crowd watching the class of 2010 graduate. It was just surreal. I walked across the stage without tripping, thank goodness, shook Dr. Dockery's hand (and wondered if he remembered me from our little meeting last semester lol), and walked off the stage. It went quite swimmingly, minus my tassel getting stuck in my face when I tried to switch it over to the left side. Eh, minor glitch.

And now, here we are, at the end of a long 4 year road. I always knew this day would come, but I was never really expecting it anytime soon. It always seemed far off, like just out of reach when I wanted school to be over the most, yet always looming in the distance. Here it's come and gone, and I'm standing here feeling like the last 4 years have just passed me by. You know on movies they'll show the main character walking in slow motion, and everyone around them is moving so fast it's like a blur? That's what I feel like. Just completely in slow motion, dazed and confused, in disbelief at how fast everything is happening, as it all blurs around me.

I won't even pretend to lie, these past 4 years have been the time of my life. If I tried to record all the fun things that I did, all the friends that I made, and all the experiences that made me grow, I'd be writing for days, years even. It was a BLAST. I'm smiling even now as I think about some of the times I spent with my best friends, and all the trouble that we seemed to be getting ourselves into. I wouldn't trade those times for the world.

I was home for the weekend to just be with family and attempt to catch up on some rest (that never happens, btw). I had to work yesterday, so I began to load up the essential items for my temporary living quarters (thanks Korie!) until I moved into my new apartment. I had mixed feelings as I pulled away from my house yesterday and headed back to Jackson. It crossed my mind that putting all my stuff in the car would probably be the last time I'd ever do it. I don't think I'll ever be back at home to live again. It made me so sad, but at the same time, I'm so excited to move into my apartment here in Jackson. There are so many good times ahead, it's just hard to move into a completely different environment, a completely different lifestyle. Sure, there will still be school in the fall (getting my EMT license), and I'll still be around Union to see the girls' soccer games, but it won't be the same. I'll be working full time and paying bills and all that good stuff. When did this happen?

I was going to be Peter Pan. I swore I wasn't going to let this happen, and even my mom told me I fought it tooth and nail, but here it is. It's happening. I'm growing up, because I have to...and there's nothing I can do about it.

So here's to all the good times in the past, and to all the good times still to come. Here we go.

Ramblings

Eh, this is pretty much a blog about nothing. I hate rambling, but at the same time, rambling about stuff makes me feel better. I think the biggest thing on my mind tonight is judgment.

I went to Memphis for a bit tonight to take some of my dorm stuff home. My parents and I talked a little bit about different things, and my dad made a comment about one of my friends. It really bothered me that he would say it, and while he's kidding (well half kidding), I hate when he says stuff like that. Not just him though, lots of people make comments like he does.

It's not just this one friend in particular either. I've had many friends who've been spoken about in not the best way. It happens. But there's one thing that's still the same...they're my friends. And they're still people. They're human beings.

When did we get off thinking that we can just pass judgment on whoever we want? I understand that we don't always see eye to eye on every subject, and that we might disagree on different views, but what right does that give you to judge someone? I don't agree with everything my friend does, but she is still my friend, and besides that, she's still a person. She's still a living, breathing creature that needs to be loved just like anyone else. Who I am to deny her that love just because I don't agree with everything she does? Love the sinner, hate the sin, right? I constantly think back to what Jesus did back in His day...He associated with people that the rest of the religious sector would never dream of dealing with, and Jesus was looked down upon because of it, but think about the difference He made in those peoples' lives. They were judged and rejected and looked down upon by everyone around them, yet here comes someone who loves them for them, and as a result, want to change because someone actually cares about them--not just trying to change them.

I feel like that's such a fault in Christianity these days. If we even take the time to do more than just pass judgment on people, we focus on how we can change them to what we believe they need to be like. We never take time to invest in their lives, and meet them where they are, or even take time to meet their physical and emotional needs first. Christians just have a tunnel vision of sorts. They see something that needs to be changed, and they feel that's the most important thing. I have to disagree. I hate people who just try to start talking to other people about God and stuff without taking time to even get to know them. It's because they don't really care about the person--they're merely trying to mark them off their check-list of what they feel is what God expects. I disagree with this too. I believe that God is a compassionate, deeply empathic God, and that He understands that sometimes we have to be met in our other needs before we will listen to spiritual matters.

I don't know. That's just me. That's why I get so upset when people pass judgment--Christians especially--on other people just because they don't follow exactly the specific guidelines that are set by the church or whoever. They get so hung up on rules and whatnot that they fail to see the human who is hurting and desperately needing help on the other end. It makes my blood boil sometimes.

Is it really that hard to love people for who they are? Chances are, they'll be more willing to listen to what you have to say if you show you actually care about them in the first place. Just my thoughts.

-Fingernail out

Sickly

Ugh, I hate being sick. There's nothing more miserable to me. I was never really sure what the term "death warmed over" meant, but I sure know now. I look and feel like death warmed over. It's disgusting.

Of course, this would happen during finals week. I'm pissed about that. This is the one week I have off from work and I can do whatever I want with whoever I want...and that has been limited because I've been feeling so awful. But of course, that's just the way it goes. My luck. I suppose it's something like karma though. I used to crack up when my roommate got sick all the time. I used to tease her that she didn't have a strong immune system like me, and that's why she got sick and I never did. Well, now it's coming back to bite me in the arse.

I can handle a cough, I really can. I'll whine about it, yeah, but that's just because I'm whiney and like to complain. But the one thing I absolutely CANNOT handle is a runny/stopped up nose. I HATE that shite. You can't sleep, you can't breathe, you can't even talk without sounding like an idiot. And that's what I've got right now...a cough--a dry cough that hurts like crap--and a runny/stopped up nose. And I'm miserable. Sure, I've been worse (like when I had my appendix out), but right now I'm so tired and I've been so stressed with the end of school that this just feels so horrible. I'm actually smiling right now at how pathetic and pitiful I sound, but leave me alone. Just let me whine cause it's making me feel a little better. :)

Hopefully, this will pass soon. I got some drugs from good ole Nurse Paul, so I'm hoping that I'll be good to go by graduation on Saturday. We shall see. All for now.

-Fingernail out

It's All About Love

I've been thinking a lot about love lately. Nope, can't say that I'm in love with anybody right now, but I've been thinking a lot just about the subject itself.

Nothing intrigues me more than love. It's such an incredible emotion. I can't think of any other emotion that makes you crazy, that makes you do things you never imagined you would or imagined you could. Love can make you want to change. Love can make you be the best you can be. Love can drive you insane. But what is it? How can you even begin to describe it?

I love my family. I love my friends. But love itself is so hard to define. The feelings I have for my family are different from the feelings I have for my friends, and those emotions are different from the ones I felt when I was actually in love with one individual. And I truly hate the phrase "I love you" because it can never, ever fit all the feeling into one phrase. I hate that it can't acurately describe what I'm feeling...it doesn't do the deep, sincere emotion that I feel justice. So how would you describe it?

For homework last week, my counseling book asked me what my definition of love was. I thought for a long time before I could come up with a good one. And it looked something like this...

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't envy, love doesn't boast, and love isn't proud. Love is not rude, love is not self-seeking, love is not easily angered, and love keeps no record of wrongs. Love doesn't delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, love always trusts, love always hopes, love always perseveres. Love never fails.


That's what love is to me. I've always heard that you should be able to insert your name in there as well. For example, "Rachel is patient, Rachel is kind, she doesn't envy, she doesn't boast, she isn't proud" and so on. When you can put your own name in there, that's when I feel like you are truly loving people. To me, that's what love is. Not saying I've got it all together yet, but I sure try.

And for all of those that are so dear to my heart...though you won't fully know just how much meaning is behind it...I love you.

Fair

I'm just going to throw this out here before I get started, so don't say I didn't warn you. This is ramblings. This is questionings and thoughts thrown out on a page. This isn't inspirational, and there isn't going to be a challenge or a life lesson at the end. This is just me thinking tonight.

Life isn't fair. I hate that. I hate that life is cruel. I hate that good people get hurt. I hate watching people I love hurt. I hate not being able to help people who are hurting. I hate not being able to fix things.

It's not fair.

Going to funerals for friends who had their lives cut short. Being rejected. Always giving and never receiving in return. Hurting people we love. Being hurt by people we love. Trusting and getting betrayed. None of it's fair.

I would know. I've experienced all those things listed above. I'm not trying to whine or complain, because I know there are people out there that have experienced worse things than I have, but like I said, this is not an inspirational note. This is just me being open and honest. I don't think it's fair, and I know we live in a fallen and unfair world, but it just makes my heart hurt so much. I guess it's the part of me that likes to fix things and wants everyone to be ok, but I have just been so mindful of it this week.

I really don't know what else to say. I'm so full of...sorrow, I guess is the correct feeling. I really can't even begin to describe it. I'm hurting for other people because they're hurting. I'm remembering how it felt to be there, and I'm hurting remembering. It's just an odd feeling, and I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. I've noticed that death brings it back a lot. I don't even have to know the person, but it brings back all that pain from Erin and I remember how much it hurt, and I know people are experiencing that now, and I hurt for them. That's where it started, and it just continues to grow. I've watched several friends cry this week, and I just had to sit there, completely helpless and unable to fix their pain, and I hate it.

I hate that life's not fair. I just do.

All That I'm After

I've had this note nagging the back of my brain for a LONG time, but I didn't quite have enough material to make sense, I felt. Now I think I do.

I was listening to the radio today and I heard Chris Daughtry's "Life After You" play. I love that song. I absolutely love it. The first part of the chorus goes a little something like this...

"All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you..."
I wish I could fully express how passionately I agree with that statement. That's all I want. If I spend the rest of my days surrounded by my wonderful friends and incredible family, laughing, I'll be happy. I don't need fancy clothes, a big house, shiny cars, or some special reputation. I just want to laugh. I just want to love.

Typing this even now, I feel so full...so content, I suppose. I love my life. Sure, there are times that I get upset, and hurt, and angry. There are times when life is not fun or fair, when it knocks you down and kicks dirt in your face...but having those friends and family by my side to pick me up and keep me laughing helps me keep going.

For some reason, I've really been reminded this week of how short life is, and how to not take any of it for granted. After Erin died, I've done my best to live life to the fullest, to find joy in the small things. I want to live my life with no regrets. I don't want to look back and wish I had done this or that...I want to do everything--to live every day like it's my last, because let's be honest, tomorrow could be my last. I was reminded of that just today, as I heard about someone who was fine just last week, then came down with something and within a day has only a slim chance of living. Life is fragile. I don't want to live my life always being mad at someone, or sulking because I didn't get my way, or holding back because I'm scared. Life is too short to live like that.

I got to play soccer tonight for the first time in a long time. I could feel the excitement building up inside of me as I laced up my cleats and headed out to the field with my second family--all my soccer girls. As I ran around in the cold air, chasing that silly leather cased sphere, my lungs burning and my legs going numb, I felt a smile cross my face. I was so happy out there. I find so much joy in the small things. I love looking at the stars, laying in fresh cut green grass, even just taking a drive on a warm sunny day with the windows down for no reason at all. Isn't that what life should be about? Enjoying everything, right down to watching Disney movies with your best friend, eating popsicles, laughing and talking when you both know you should be sleeping.

I want to keep living a full life, even after it smacks me in the face with reality. Bad things happen. You get hurt and it sucks. But I don't want those things to hold me back, and I definitely don't want to wallow in my sorrow, or have "coulda shoulda woulda" constantly playing through my mind. It's not easy to move on, especially when you've been hurt or you're scared, but I don't want to get stagnant and stop enjoying all the little things in life because I'm too focused on the bad. When you focus so much on those things, you forget how much happiness you can find in things, like laughing with your friends for no reason at all.

I don't know. Maybe this doesn't make any sense at all. But it does to me. You only live once. Shouldn't you live it the best you can?

"So I'm running back to tell you
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
Without you, God knows what I'd do
All that I'm after is a life full of laughter, as long as I'm laughing with you..."