The past is playing with my head

I am having a day today.

I don't feel like doing anything. I seriously just want to lay in my bed and forget the world around me, and just sink deep inside myself, deep into my mind and spend the day with memories, with the people I miss more than I can begin to express. I am not much of a softie. I tend to have a very hard exterior until I become close to people. I love my best friend, and I would do anything for her, but anyone else wouldn't know that I am capable of actually being sweet. That being said, I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have tears in my eyes even now, which is a huge deal if you do know me, because I tend to see crying as a weakness, so I don't do it much.

I'll admit it though, I am aching today. Whether I like it or not, memories are bombarding me, and breaking my heart in the process. I'm thinking about two little boys most of all, and just the very thought of how I haven't seen them in so long, and how they're growing up so fast and I'm not getting to see any of it...it's making me die a little inside. It's definitely bringing on the tears.

And then there's memories of other things, of other people, of friendships lost. There is one in particular, that we'll refer to as SB, that I am missing so bad today, I literally just wanna call this person and burst into tears, and beg them not to leave me, and just talk to me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even though we both know that it's not. Yikes. Just thinking about doing that is leaving me choked up. I miss this person more than I can acurately describe with words. If you really love somebody and really miss them, you know the feeling that I mean. That deep ache in the middle of your chest, the dull throb that reminds you something is missing, where you almost feel like you've got a hole in your very soul, and empty pit that starts near the bottom of your throat and ends at the top of your waistline. Is it possible for this to ever go away? Most [smart] people do not get themselves into circumstances like I do. I seem to have a knack for attracting crazy people and situations. The relationship that I have with SB is as complicated as they get, but regardless of past interactions, SB continues to be one of the most important people in my life. I guess that's because I have put more time and effort into the relationship that I have with anyone else. SB knows me inside and out, over the slightest things, and that is what I have always treasured about our friendship. I have never completely revealed my entire being for someone except for SB, and to have that as a loss now is almost unbearable. I don't have the strength, the energy, or the trust to do that for another human being. I don't want to. Why should I? Why put myself out there again when I already have someone that knows me?

Because I'm a dumb-A, mostly. I let my flittering, always changing emotions screw up one of the most valuable things I have ever had in my life, and now I sit here, alone, dying for the chance to make things right, to put thing back the way they used to be. And I can't. And it kills me.

I think I'm going back to bed now.

--Fingernail out

Life as I know it...

It's been a long time. And by a long time, I mean I am no longer a server, no longer in Jackson, and in an all around different place in my life. The one thing that still remains though is my desire to write. To get all this jumbled up crap out of my head and onto some paper (or in this case, a digital version of paper).

In fact, it's been so long since I've been on my blog that I'm not entirely certain how to space things, put in photos, or anything as such, so bear with me as I begin to figure it all back out. ;)

I'm in such a delicate place right now. After completely demolishing my life in Jackson, I had to move back home, not only to Memphis, but in with the parentals. Not an easy decision, obviously, but it was one that I had no choice in. There were simply no other options. You see, when you have the time of your life, meet who you think is the love of your life, find out you were dead wrong, then despair because you've never loved or been loved like that before, you usually wind up sitting on a stool with an empty shot glass in front of you...sometimes every night of the week. And when that happens, you forget to live. You don't pay bills, you go to work only to keep the roof over your head, you get careless with your things, you don't value your life, and eventually you can't remember how to function without being out of your mind...also known as "wasted". You go to work wasted, you stay at work wasted, you get wasted at the bar after work, and basically you forget how to live any other way.

And when that happens, you end up like me...broke, behind on bills and loans, with nothing to show for your efforts but a totaled car from driving under the influence and an extremely high alcohol tolerance.

So here I am. Back in Memphis. Straightened up my life. Back in church (not Fort God, but a REAL church with REAL people who are filled with love, not judgment). Do I still party? Yeah. Does it control my life? No. Do I still suffer from a broken heart? Of course.

My daily life often feels like a see-saw. The slightest curve balls that get thrown at me cause my emotions to fly one way or the other. I struggle with being on the mountain top, doing everything right, to instantly being at the bottom of the mountain, trudging through the valley, wondering if a person can seriously be destined to failure. "Am I always going to be a screw up?", I often ask myself. "Is it possible that maybe I was designed to be the black sheep of my family, doomed to fall since the beginning of time?" And then other days I'm singing Katy Perry's (who is my IDOL lol) Part Of Me song word for word, lashing out and anyone and everyone, "I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now, NOW LOOK AT ME!" See-saw of my life. It's crazy. Guess that's why I take medicine now.

I'm not sure really what this post is supposed to be about. I wish I could sit here and end it with a 'hey my life is so freaking awesome all the time now' sentence, but it's not. God has been good to me, there is no doubt there, especially since I seriously am a major screw up the majority of the time, but that doesn't mean my life is full of rainbows and cupcakes and unicorns and all that other girly, glittery crap. It's hard. But that's life. So I guess this is just a post for me to begin writing again...and just give a general, REAL update on my life...as I currently know it.

-Fingernail (yep that hasn't changed either) out