Team Jacob

As ashamed as I am to admit this, I finally finished reading the book, New Moon. It took me forever to attempt to get through it last time, but seeing as work gets boring sometimes, I actually managed to finish the whole thing in two shifts. It was an okay book, Bella's character just irritates me. Sure, I felt that similar pain from a break up, but jeez, her tactics were a little extreme. I was intrigued to get the book version of the whole Bella/Jacob relationship. Having once been compared to Jacob in an actual relationship, I wanted to see exactly how it was portrayed from Bella's point of view. I was sickened, to say the least. Bella's disgusting insecurities and overwhelming selfish thought process was all too familiar. I am, indeed, just like Jacob. I had someone keep me around merely because they needed someone else's presence, nothing more. I may have deeply loved said person, but my Bella continually toyed with my own heart and emotions, keeping me around simply because it was better than being alone. What kind of sick person does that? What kind of human being sees another in emotional pain, but keeps putting their heart through hell just because they can't function on their own? It's appalling, really. I have never been one to care about the whole Twilight business, but after finishing that book, I am definitely Team Jacob. Why? Because I AM Jacob. And I'm not sure my heart will ever be the same.

Bigger and better things

So I've started orientation for my new job. FINALLY. A new job. I'm so excited. It is a mental health facility, so I am very nervous about that aspect of it, but I'm so ready. I was never made to sit around in one spot. I am the type of girl who has to be in constant motion. Blame it on the ADD, but I can't be stagnant for too terribly long or I start to get...emotional, I suppose is the best word (last post was OBVIOUS of that). I've had orientation all this week, and by now, I am exhausted. Not only am I not used to being up early, the information overload is overwhelming my brain. I can barely stay awake in our second half of training (first half is from 8-12, second half is from 12-3 or 4). Warm rooms with no windows and a soothing voice droning on about policies and procedures, added to a full belly and just losing all of my first wind, and I'm just about done-zo. I feel like my eyeballs are about to roll back in my head...you know, that crazy eye feeling you get when you're exhausted, but desperately trying to stay awake? It feels like your eyes are crossing as your eyelids droop, and then those babies just roll on back into your head.

I'm not allowed to divulge information about where I work, but I will say that it has been intimidating thus far. It's a MENTAL hospital. While my degree is in Psychology, working with people who are cray-cray has always been a fear of mine. Just shadowing people today got me followed by a psychotic patient in a wheelchair, calling me a bword while she urinated through her wheelchair onto the floor. Yeah. And that's not even the crazy wing. I am so excited though. My whole job will be about helping people, something that is basically my only desire to do. By the end of this month, I will be certified in CPR, Basic Firefighting 1 and 2, and will be on the payroll at both a mental hospital and a fire department. Both jobs exist to help people. That is what I live to do. Helping people will be how I make my own living. And I'm so excited about that.

Stay tuned for more exciting and interesting adventures. I know they're bound to come. ;)

--Fingernail out

The past is playing with my head

I am having a day today.

I don't feel like doing anything. I seriously just want to lay in my bed and forget the world around me, and just sink deep inside myself, deep into my mind and spend the day with memories, with the people I miss more than I can begin to express. I am not much of a softie. I tend to have a very hard exterior until I become close to people. I love my best friend, and I would do anything for her, but anyone else wouldn't know that I am capable of actually being sweet. That being said, I am on the verge of a breakdown. I have tears in my eyes even now, which is a huge deal if you do know me, because I tend to see crying as a weakness, so I don't do it much.

I'll admit it though, I am aching today. Whether I like it or not, memories are bombarding me, and breaking my heart in the process. I'm thinking about two little boys most of all, and just the very thought of how I haven't seen them in so long, and how they're growing up so fast and I'm not getting to see any of it...it's making me die a little inside. It's definitely bringing on the tears.

And then there's memories of other things, of other people, of friendships lost. There is one in particular, that we'll refer to as SB, that I am missing so bad today, I literally just wanna call this person and burst into tears, and beg them not to leave me, and just talk to me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay, even though we both know that it's not. Yikes. Just thinking about doing that is leaving me choked up. I miss this person more than I can acurately describe with words. If you really love somebody and really miss them, you know the feeling that I mean. That deep ache in the middle of your chest, the dull throb that reminds you something is missing, where you almost feel like you've got a hole in your very soul, and empty pit that starts near the bottom of your throat and ends at the top of your waistline. Is it possible for this to ever go away? Most [smart] people do not get themselves into circumstances like I do. I seem to have a knack for attracting crazy people and situations. The relationship that I have with SB is as complicated as they get, but regardless of past interactions, SB continues to be one of the most important people in my life. I guess that's because I have put more time and effort into the relationship that I have with anyone else. SB knows me inside and out, over the slightest things, and that is what I have always treasured about our friendship. I have never completely revealed my entire being for someone except for SB, and to have that as a loss now is almost unbearable. I don't have the strength, the energy, or the trust to do that for another human being. I don't want to. Why should I? Why put myself out there again when I already have someone that knows me?

Because I'm a dumb-A, mostly. I let my flittering, always changing emotions screw up one of the most valuable things I have ever had in my life, and now I sit here, alone, dying for the chance to make things right, to put thing back the way they used to be. And I can't. And it kills me.

I think I'm going back to bed now.

--Fingernail out

Life as I know it...

It's been a long time. And by a long time, I mean I am no longer a server, no longer in Jackson, and in an all around different place in my life. The one thing that still remains though is my desire to write. To get all this jumbled up crap out of my head and onto some paper (or in this case, a digital version of paper).

In fact, it's been so long since I've been on my blog that I'm not entirely certain how to space things, put in photos, or anything as such, so bear with me as I begin to figure it all back out. ;)

I'm in such a delicate place right now. After completely demolishing my life in Jackson, I had to move back home, not only to Memphis, but in with the parentals. Not an easy decision, obviously, but it was one that I had no choice in. There were simply no other options. You see, when you have the time of your life, meet who you think is the love of your life, find out you were dead wrong, then despair because you've never loved or been loved like that before, you usually wind up sitting on a stool with an empty shot glass in front of you...sometimes every night of the week. And when that happens, you forget to live. You don't pay bills, you go to work only to keep the roof over your head, you get careless with your things, you don't value your life, and eventually you can't remember how to function without being out of your mind...also known as "wasted". You go to work wasted, you stay at work wasted, you get wasted at the bar after work, and basically you forget how to live any other way.

And when that happens, you end up like me...broke, behind on bills and loans, with nothing to show for your efforts but a totaled car from driving under the influence and an extremely high alcohol tolerance.

So here I am. Back in Memphis. Straightened up my life. Back in church (not Fort God, but a REAL church with REAL people who are filled with love, not judgment). Do I still party? Yeah. Does it control my life? No. Do I still suffer from a broken heart? Of course.

My daily life often feels like a see-saw. The slightest curve balls that get thrown at me cause my emotions to fly one way or the other. I struggle with being on the mountain top, doing everything right, to instantly being at the bottom of the mountain, trudging through the valley, wondering if a person can seriously be destined to failure. "Am I always going to be a screw up?", I often ask myself. "Is it possible that maybe I was designed to be the black sheep of my family, doomed to fall since the beginning of time?" And then other days I'm singing Katy Perry's (who is my IDOL lol) Part Of Me song word for word, lashing out and anyone and everyone, "I fell deep, you let me down, but that was then and this is now, NOW LOOK AT ME!" See-saw of my life. It's crazy. Guess that's why I take medicine now.

I'm not sure really what this post is supposed to be about. I wish I could sit here and end it with a 'hey my life is so freaking awesome all the time now' sentence, but it's not. God has been good to me, there is no doubt there, especially since I seriously am a major screw up the majority of the time, but that doesn't mean my life is full of rainbows and cupcakes and unicorns and all that other girly, glittery crap. It's hard. But that's life. So I guess this is just a post for me to begin writing again...and just give a general, REAL update on my life...as I currently know it.

-Fingernail (yep that hasn't changed either) out

Grateful

I love being a server. It has me on the most effed up sleeping schedule. Here it is, 2:15 in the freakin morning, and I'm still awake. Oh well. Might as well write.

I've just been thinking about my life in general here lately. The past couple days has seemed like hell on earth. Everything seemed to be going wrong and it all came crashing down within a few hours at a time. Just simply horrible. And as I've said before, I wallow. My lows are really low. And it was...I thought about stupid stuff and just being reckless...as my dad always says, "shock and awe". ;) But as always, I kept from being retarded and just wallowed instead. Cried a lot too, like a little b-word, but it kinda felt good. It's been a long time since I've really cried.

Anyway, after all of that mess, I was just sitting and thinking tonight about how awesome my life really is. Even in spite of getting sat with a party of 8 tonight, thirty minutes before close, and only getting a $1.50 tip on an $80 tab, I was happy. I have so many things to be thankful for. I'm so ridiculously blessed, it's not even funny.

I have my health, even though I constantly whine about how crappy my body is and how it's falling apart. I have a job, even though I always complain about how rotten it is. I have amazing roommates and friends that I take for granted. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, even though I stay whining about how crazy they are (I still love you guys, even though you ARE crazy). I go to an awesome church (and I went to a great church when I was still in Memphis) even though I always found flaws in it.

I'm such a whiner. I take my life for granted so much. I find the bad in everything. I suppose that's human nature though. We look for things to complain about. We don't even stop and think twice about all the good things that are taking place. We just miss it completely.

But I sat tonight just laughing after that party left tonight and thought about how great my life is, even in spite of all the ups and downs. It's awesome, it really is. I have sooooooooooooooo incredibly much to be thankful for, and I constantly overlook it, mostly because I choose to, I guess.

So, thank you to all of you wonderful people who are a big part of my life. I'm so blessed to have you in my life.

Love games

Love--like everything else in this life--is a game. You gotta play your cards right. You work with the hand you're dealt, and you play them right. Love is a game. You either control the pawns, or you're the pawn that's being controlled. I prefer to keep control of my game.

Makin somethin outta nothin

Well, here we go.

Insomnia has reared it's ugly head once again, and after telling myself and everyone around me that I was going to try and go to bed early tonight, I am now still awake at 4 AM. Mind you, I'm supposed to be running with Ole Elrod in approximately 4 hours, but I just don't think that's going to happen. Sorry, Pidge.

I'm sitting here in my room, wiggling in my desk chair, and trying not to think about how much my back hurts. Or how much my legs ache, or the fact that my feet haven't stopped throbbing since I got home from work 3 hours ago. I'm a mess, it would seem. My back has been aching for two days now. See, back in high school, I played coed soccer with middle aged males, all of whom were as competitive as I was (and still am). Needless to say, the goalkeeper on the opposing team just couldn't seem to handle the fact that a skinny little 18 year old girl was about to score on his middle-aged backside, and pulled my leg out from under me. I was already going to one direction when he did that, so his little cheap stunt pulled me back the opposite way. I fell weird, as any human being would being yanked around by gravity and a freakin 40 year old sore loser, and ever since then my back has been messed up. I went to the chiropractor last summer, and she told me that I already had arthritis in that area of my back. So. Fast forward back to the present evening.

My back has been aching ever since this weekend, because my wonderful roommate and I love to mess with each other and had several wrestling matches. Now, normally, one would consider this a bad idea. Wrestling at my age is going to be difficult no matter who it is. Not saying that I'm old, but by now, the competition is going to be either as heavy as me, or heavier. It just happens. It's not like you're 10 years old anymore and your competition weighs 50 pounds. That's just unrealistic to expect that at 22. That being said, my roommate is under 5 foot and weighs about 50 pounds less than me...shouldn't be a hard battle at all. In fact, it should've been one of the swiftest wrestling matches in history.

And it was. I lost. Swiftly.

That's why I've always been scared of little people. They're so feisty. And I've always just had this mental image of a small person latching onto my back like some sort of leech that just turns into an extra appendage, and no matter how much you try to shake them, you just can't get them off your back, so you end up running around, screaming and clawing at the air while this little person is giving you hell, chuckling in your ear and enjoying every minute of it. Anyway. My precious little roommate is a small person and has always seemed like one of those delicate porcelain dolls that will break in two if you squeeze them too hard. Plus, I am notorious for being rough and not gentle, and sometimes I get in trouble because I hug her so hard, I squeeze the breath right out of her wittle lungs. Basically, I often feel like a bull in a china cabinet around her, but whatever. That's besides the point. The basic point is that I wasn't expecting too much out of little AJ. Sure, she can pinch like an effin crab, but that has nothing to do with wrestling.

She latched onto my back within seconds of us wrestling. My worst nightmare had finally come true. And just as I'd always envisioned, I couldn't get her off. Her little legs wrapped around me and were so strong, I COULD NOT get her off. I did everything, even the roll that rodeo horses do...you know, where they fall on their backs to squash the cowboy they can't buck off. Yeah. I even did that crap and it still didn't work. When I finally managed to sit back up, she was still attached. Before I even knew what was going on, she had scurried back around and the next thing I know, I'm on my back, and my face is being smashed with her little bitty hand into the carpet. Tricky, I tell you. You can't ever turn your back on those little people.

So with all this rough-housing going on this weekend, it's no wonder my back is hurting. I can't even bend over to pick up crap I drop. When I try, my back screams at me to stop, and punishes my disobedience by almost completely spazing out to the point that it brings me to my knees. But, that's life. For now, I guess I'll just stay stocked up on my ibuprofen and my joint pills and hope for the best.

It's now 4:35 AM and I'm feeling the sand man sprinkling dust on my eyelids, so I think it's time to wrap up this blog of nothingness.

-Fingernail out